Jokes thread!!! (revived 2013)

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EXAMADNESS
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Jokes thread!!! (revived 2013)

Post by EXAMADNESS » Tue Apr 27, 2010 12:29 am

haha, here's a joke for you guys :shock: feel free to post yours here, a little laughing now and then can't do any harm :wink:
_____________________________________________________________

The Defective Parrot!!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology... You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational....
a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's real pal he understands everything,he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!' :shock: :lol: :lol:


Cheerz :wink:
Mazda FE powered 2.0 16v N12 exa : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=6592
Mazda 2.5 v6 KLDE into Nissan Exa "project" : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=7442

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Ash
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Post by Ash » Tue Apr 27, 2010 1:06 pm

ROFLMAO! good joke dude :wink:

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BennyET
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Post by BennyET » Tue Apr 27, 2010 3:04 pm

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I repsonded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arrivigg at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing "Happy birthday".

And i just sat there...

On the couch...





Naked...
I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense.

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Post by Panda_ET » Tue Apr 27, 2010 5:59 pm

Bahahahahaha WIN!!!!1111one!!
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Post by Blackdog » Tue Apr 27, 2010 6:06 pm

roflmfao!!!! That just made my day.

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Ash
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Post by Ash » Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:38 am

BennyET, hilarious joke dude! had me wondering right to the end. :lol:

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Post by EXAMADNESS » Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:50 am

Nice one bennyET,

Here's another 1 :wink:

______________________________

Wife :!:


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !!?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)



'Only when he's been drinking, officer.!!'
Mazda FE powered 2.0 16v N12 exa : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=6592
Mazda 2.5 v6 KLDE into Nissan Exa "project" : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=7442

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Post by TurboZ.Dude » Thu Apr 29, 2010 5:10 am

Haha that was a good one!
My N12:
http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=4926,
http://www.zxoc.co.uk/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6345
http://forums.mightycarmods.com/showthr ... Pulsar-N12
Image
in all honesty dude these cars are shit but they have so much character, are fun and go fairly well when running right. we still play around with these things because they are a fun addictive little shitbox! :D - Ash

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EXAMADNESS
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Post by EXAMADNESS » Fri May 07, 2010 12:32 am

MEN WILL TRY ANYTHING :shock:


A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off :shock:

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ :oops: Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!! :lol:
Mazda FE powered 2.0 16v N12 exa : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=6592
Mazda 2.5 v6 KLDE into Nissan Exa "project" : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=7442

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Post by tassuperkart » Fri May 07, 2010 8:12 am

There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. And she had so many children that her uterus fell out...................



DO NOT start me off............
Forcd4 wrote:Oh fuk no dude it's you a again, the oracle.

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Post by Panda_ET » Sun May 09, 2010 10:02 pm

An Australian Ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village in the south Island and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the kiwi, G'day mate mind if I talk to your dog.

Kiwi : The dog doesnt talk, you stupid Aussie

Aussie : hello dog hows ti going mate?

Dog : Yeah doin alright

Kiwi : Look of extreme shock across his face

Aussie : Is this fella your owner?(points at kiwi)

Dog : Yep

Aussie : How does he treat ya mate?

Dog : Yeh real good he walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play

Kiwi : Is now in complete and utter disbelief

Aussie : Mind if I talk to your horse mate?

Kiwi : Uh the horse doesnt talk either ...I think

Aussie Hey horse hows ti going?

Horse : cool mate, real cool

Kiwi : is starting to shake is disbelief...

Aussie : Is this your owner buddy?(points at the kiwi)

Horse : yeh buddy

Aussie : How does he treat you?

horse : Pretty good thanks for asking. He rides me regulary, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the crappy weather.

Kiwi : has a look of total amazement

Aussie : Hey do you mind if I have a chat with your sheep over there?

Kiwi : (with a panicked lookon his face) The sheeps a bloody liar!!!!!
Low Slow and Sarcastic
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www.twitter.com/garagepanda for my latest Inane comments

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Post by Ash » Mon May 10, 2010 3:51 am

LOLAL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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EXAMADNESS
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Dyno accident

Post by EXAMADNESS » Mon May 10, 2010 8:19 am

A dyno accident, NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT :shock: just watch :wink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elpOTR6a ... ature=grec
Mazda FE powered 2.0 16v N12 exa : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=6592
Mazda 2.5 v6 KLDE into Nissan Exa "project" : http://forum.n12turbo.com/viewtopic.php?t=7442

born2run
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Post by born2run » Thu May 13, 2010 11:45 am

bahahaha silly old man. thats y they dont let ya in the dyno room...
nice jokes so far boys. keep em comin. certainly put a smile of my face!

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Post by xr6eta » Thu May 13, 2010 4:34 pm

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to even more tears. On reflection, banging her up the arse and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY" was a little insensitive.

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